Losing control
by Fadingsummer
Summary: My second Akira fic, Kaneda/Tetsuo of course. Kaneda has taught Tetsuo how to ride a bike, how to take drugs, in short, how to do anything. Still, depending on Kaneda isn't quite enough for Tetsuo.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone,

I hereby present to you my second Akira fic! This takes place somewhat a year before it all happened. I guess I tried to explain to myself, in my own, slashy way of thinking, the reasons why Tetsuo only seems to care about destroying Kaneda, over everyone else. ^.^

I hope you read, I hope you like, I hope you enjoy.

**Losing control**

Every time the wheels of his bike roll over the grey, dry concrete of this particular street, and the clouds gather over the city as a dark omen, he remembers what has happened one day and with remembering, he loses his focus. How often have the wheels slipped, how often were the times where he had almost lost his balance?

'Tetsuo!' Kaneda yells. 'C'mon!'

Tetsuo sighs. Nobody else in the Capsules notices his heightened insecurity on this road, but he knows that Kaneda does. Kaneda notices everything about him that deviates from his usual way of doing things. The bastard. He could almost read his mind, which was something Tetsuo wasn't happy about. To others, he had learned to conceal his essential weakness by just going away or being nice to them. With Kaneda, he couldn't. He could see right through him. So whenever he felt weak next to him, he just became angry. There wasn't anything he could do about it. Kaneda was their leader, and as far as he knew, he'd always be.

A year ago, when Tetsuo had only been fourteen years old, Kaneda had taught him how to ride a bike like he did. Tetsuo hadn't known a thing about bikes, but he remembered watching him and sometimes Yamagata drive by, having a great time and trying to beat each other in how fast they could go. He had been sitting on a sidewalk, somewhere close to their school, too shy to ask whether he could have a go on one of their bikes, too. One day, he had gathered all his courage and was determined to ask Kaneda. They had been friends since they had been five years old, surely he wouldn't mind?

But before he had even said his name, Kaneda had given him a big grin. 'Wanna try, Tetsuo?'  
After a few seconds, he'd started to laugh.  
'What's so funny?' Tetsuo had asked, confused.  
'Your eyes turned so big there, I was afraid they were gonna fall out! Hey, Yamagata!'  
Yamagata walked up to them. 'What's up, Kaneda?'  
'We need to find him a bike. Something simple.'  
'Okay. You gonna teach him how to ride, huh?'  
'More than that.' He gave him a glance.  
'I'm gonna turn little Tetsuo here into a Capsule.'

Three days later, when Tetsuo was sitting in class and very busy drawing stick figures on the table while ignoring the lesson, Kaneda sneaked through the door and sat down next to him, unseen by the teacher.  
'Hey,' he whispered. Tetsuo understood that what he was about to say was some kind of secret, because otherwise, he would've spoken out loud.  
'We've found you a bike. It's a pretty cool, not too old model. You'll like it.'  
'Where did you get it?' Tetsuo grinned.  
'Oh, you know. Downtown.'  
'Great.'  
'So, get your ass over to that large road two streets behind my place, tonight at nine. It's your first lesson.'  
'Oh, alright...'  
'Don't be nervous. Everyone falls down the first couple of times. I broke my wrist the first time I tried!'  
'That doesn't really help...' Tetsuo smiled faintly at Kaneda's grin.  
'You'll do fine. I won't laugh at you, promise.'  
'Okay. I guess I'll do my best.'  
'Awesome!'

That night, the bike had felt weird and instable underneath him, and he had hardly gone any faster than 3 mp/h. And on top of that, he'd fallen rather hard, four times, mostly after the moment he'd tried to start the engine. Luckily, his bike only had a few scratches. He had bloody elbows and hands himself. But Kaneda hadn't laughed at him. All he had done was give him advice and show him how it was done. Normally, Tetsuo would've felt small and hopeless, but this time, it was different. He liked his bike. He even was confident he was going to get the hang of this, soon. They had made an official appointment for the next day, at the same place.

'How did you get here, anyway? It's pretty far from your place, isn't it?'  
Tetsuo slept in one of the dorms close to their school, which was, indeed, far from Kaneda's room. Kaneda had his own place. He'd gotten out of the dorms months ago and had broken into a deserted building. He'd told Tetsuo he'd thrown out a few junkies, and then the place had been his. Tetsuo was jealous, not only of his new room, but also of his ability to get things done.  
'I came walking,' he admitted. 'My bike was stolen a week ago, and I didn't have money for a subway ticket...'  
'And you're gonna walk back all the way to the dorms, right now?' Kaneda shouted in disbelief. 'It's past eleven, you moron! This is gang territory!'  
'So?' Tetsuo said stubbornly.  
'So? You might get killed!'

Looking around, the place did seem unsafe. There was graffiti everywhere, telling 'Milk' or 'the Monkeys' to fuck off and die. Tetsuo guessed these were names of several gangs, and shivered when he heard shouting and the shattering of glass from a few streets behind them.

'Well, what am I supposed to do, then? I can't ride that bike yet...'  
'Step on.' Kaneda said.  
'What?'  
'Get on my bike!'  
'But...'  
'There's enough room for both of us, don't worry about it.'  
Kaneda looked strong and determined. Tetsuo couldn't refuse his offer, so he got on carefully.  
'Hold on to me.'

'Do it, or else you'll fall off.'  
Slowly, Tetsuo put his arms around him. It felt weird. Wouldn't it look weird, too, if someone saw them like this?  
'Listen, I don't care,' Kaneda said and started the engine. 'It's safer this way.'

Within a second, it seemed, they were off. Tetsuo closed his eyes at first, but as he got used to the speed, he dared looking around him. The lights from the buildings and the stores seemed to fly past them, and before he had even noticed someone on the road, Kaneda had already steered past them.  
'This is funny though,' Kaneda yelled. 'On a regular night, your place would've been taken by a girl! So, what do you think?'  
'It's great!' Tetsuo yelled back. 'I didn't know you could go this fast!'  
'Wait till you can ride your own!'

When he awoke the next morning, he remembered having a dream. He had held Kaneda as he had done the day before, and they had been on a motorcycle. The strange thing was that they had been driving on the rooftops of Neo-Tokyo. But he had fallen off, and then, the dream had stopped. He was perfectly still for a minute, trying to remember every detail. It was only then that he remembered he had his second lesson that day.

That night, things had gone way better than before. Tetsuo was able to stay on his bike as it moved now, and he had learned how to brake at the right time. He had completely lost his sense of time because he was so busy with doing everything right, so he had been staggered to find out his watch had passed eleven, again.

'So, you think I could go home myself now?' Tetsuo asked Kaneda in the basement, where they'd stored his bike. He thought about that for a moment.  
'No,' he said. 'You couldn't handle normal traffic. It's too much for you at the moment. Besides, it's late.' He gestured at his bike. 'Get on.'

The drive to Tetsuo's place took about ten minutes, minutes in which Tetsuo sniffed at Kaneda's jacket quietly. The pill on its back was put on in such a way that its colours wouldn't fade. One day, he might be a Capsule himself. Maybe he would be allowed to go out at night with the others then. He didn't know what they did when they were out, but they were always impatient about the next time. It just had to be awesome.

In the weeks that followed, Tetsuo mastered his bike almost completely. Surely, he fell now and then, but somehow he was able to remain pretty much uninjured. The rest of the gang joined them more often, and he was allowed to ride along with them.  
'But if you fall behind, don't expect them to wait for you. They want to race on, understand?'  
'Well, alright. I'll try to keep up.'  
'I'll wait for you, though. No problem.'  
'Cool.'

So that was it. At a Saturday night, the Capsules would go downtown for a drive and Tetsuo could go with them. He had been excited about it for days and couldn't wait to go. Finally able to drive his bike to Kaneda's place by himself, he arrived at half past nine. For ten minutes or so, they were all yelling and talking with each other, and passing each other small pills. One of them was given to Tetsuo, who stared at it, unsure if he should swallow it or not. But then he remembered the other guys, and the bike beneath him. He was almost a Capsule. He needed to be like them as fast as possible. He had trouble swallowing the pill, but pretended to do it as if he'd taken drugs like this one for years. Kaneda's voice sounded somewhere behind the group of Capsule boys.  
'Ready, guys?'  
Tetsuo looked up and saw him put on a pair of biker glasses. He watched him carefully. He was their leader, all of a sudden. What had he done in order to become their leader?  
'Let's move!' he yelled and sped off, immediately followed by the rest of the gang. Tetsuo was alarmed by their speed; how was he ever going to keep up with them? If Kaneda was up in the front, how could he wait for him?  
He shook his head and kick started his bike. To hell with it. He'd keep up with them. He had to.

The world seemed to be spinning, even though he tried his best to keep his focus on the road. The pill was making him high, he realized, but he didn't feel all that well. The others didn't seem to have the same problem, as they were happily driving on through the crowded streets. They had passed countless clubs and bars, when were they going to stop, for fuck's sake? He wasn't able to drive at the moment, he wasn't used to taking pills. He had seen one of the guys swallowing three of them; the thought alone made him sick.

Finally, in a place with a lot of shabby looking restaurants and bars, the gang stepped off their bikes, leaving one or two of them on the lookout. At last, Tetsuo felt some excitement about it all. They were driving too fast, and all had stolen bikes. He had taken a pill. He was one of them.

They entered a bar which they had been to often, it seemed, for they immediately started to talk to the barman and the other customers, mostly girls. Tetsuo sat down at the bar and watched the others from a safe distance as they drank their beer. He kind of liked the music here, but he didn't really care about being here. What was so great about this random bar?

He saw Kaneda on the other side of the bar, speaking to the barman. After a minute or so, the barman handed over a plastic bag while Kaneda handed him over some money. Pills, Tetsuo reckoned. Even more of them.

After stuffing the bag away in one of his pockets, he walked up to some girls standing in a corner. He seemed to have some success with them, they were constantly giggling and before Tetsuo knew it, they were holding his hands and hanging on his shoulder. After he had watched him for a moment, he realized it was hurting him. Why? Why wouldn't Kaneda have some fun with those girls? What was his problem? He didn't know, but it hurt either way. When one of the Capsules offered him another pill, he accepted it immediately. Maybe it would make him feel better.

He looked around. Kaneda had disappeared. So had the girls.

The night had been full of bars, girls, and pills, but at three AM, the gang became tired. Most of them were only fifteen or sixteen, after all. Tetsuo had already become tired at two, hardly understanding what they liked so much about this. But the pills had been good after all. They made the bike rides a lot better, and somehow, their effect on him had changed, and it all seemed to go perfectly.

On an empty crossroad, Kaneda got the entire group together.  
'That's it for tonight, we're going home,' he yelled. 'But let 'em know we're the Capsules!'  
He didn't seem to be drunk at all. Maybe he stayed sober the whole night to watch his gang, Tetsuo thought. Kaneda led the way. The gang went home.

It was half past three when they reached the place from where they had started. Everyone said goodbye, the group was disbanded, and everyone went their separate ways. Tetsuo wanted to leave, too, when he heard Kaneda's voice saying his name.

'Kaneda?'  
'Tetsuo. You did great tonight, man!'  
'I did?'  
'Sure. How many pills did you take, anyway?'  
'Two,' Tetsuo said hesitantly.  
'Any good?'  
'They were alright, I think...'  
'Okay, great. See you at school, Monday.'  
'Bye.'  
He got on his bike and started on the drive home.  
'Hey, Tetsuo!'  
'Huh?'  
'You're a Capsule now, you know that?'  
Tetsuo's heart skipped a beat.  
'Sleep tight, okay?' he added, almost out of hearing now.  
''Kay!'


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, here's volume two!

***

Before long, Tetsuo didn't feel out of place at a Saturday night anymore. He discovered some of the other guys were actually a lot of fun, and the pills became better and better, it seemed. Okay, maybe he was becoming addicted. But just a bit. Nothing dangerous. Everyone did it, and everyone seemed to go along well anyway. His biking skills grew every day, and sometimes Kaneda would call him to the front so they could take the lead together. These were definitely the best minutes Tetsuo had ever experienced. The lights seemed to fly by as they had done when he had been on Kaneda's bike, and the adrenaline was pumping through his body so fast, and when he looked beside him, his heart slammed pure heat into him. Sometimes they were chased by the cops, but they always outsmarted them. In short, he fucking loved the Capsule's life. Before he'd fall asleep, he'd feel as if he was still on his bike, still with Kaneda, still on the streets. In fact, he had trouble falling asleep because he did.

'Collect your daily!' Kaneda yelled to his gang one night, and everyone passed some pills on to each other. Kaneda took a few, too, which he normally didn't do. Tetsuo was wondering how many girls he would manage to go outside with him this time. Maybe the relaxing and at the same time energetic effect of the pills would make it even worse.

That particular night, Tetsuo stood on the lookout. He didn't have to do so that often, because Kaneda seemed to like him at the front, but in fact, he didn't really mind. Watching stupid girls doing stupid dances in a lame bar wasn't that attractive to him anyway. Checking out the bikes of the other guys was a more fun pastime, he thought, and got to it.

At the moment he was investigating a brand new model's engine, he heard Kaneda's voice.  
'Tetsuo.'  
He was standing in the doorway at the back of the bar the gang was currently in.  
'What's up?'  
'I'm bored. Are _you_ having any fun, on your own here?'  
'Well, I'm alright.' Tetsuo started to feel small again. Kaneda didn't seem to be his usual self, and he figured it had to be the pills. Talking about pills…  
'You got any candy left?'  
'What, you want more of them?'  
'If they can be missed, then, yeah.'

Kaneda smiled and walked up to him, taking a small blue- and white capsule out of his pocket.  
'Thanks,' Tetsuo said, but before the pill was handed over, Kaneda put it in his mouth, between his teeth.  
'I wanna see how bad you want them.'  
At Tetsuo's confused stare, he laughed. 'Come on. I know you wouldn't mind.'

Now _that _was true. But how did _he _know, what if he was only joking, what if he would laugh at him if he tried? Tetsuo's hands were shaking in doubt, but he also needed that damn pill.

'You'd better hurry, or it'll melt.' Kaneda's tone softened. 'Hey. Come on.'

Tetsuo took a deep breath, took Kaneda's face in his hands and tried to take the much wanted capsule with his teeth. Their lips touched, not slightly, but quite heavily, but the pill was gone. Kaneda grabbed Tetsuo by his shoulders and kissed him back, deeply, tenderly, giving him his capsule. Tetsuo swallowed it quickly, wanting to give in to Kaneda's kiss; he had been wishing for this secretly, for months now. This was better candy than a capsule. This was… he couldn't name it. All he knew was how much he enjoyed it, and Kaneda seemed to feel the same, for he continued their kiss for minutes. It was slow, it was soft, it was perfect. Tetsuo sighed and held on closer to him. He could smell his leather jacket and the faint scent of beer and girl's perfume. He figured it was probably his hair. His hair… the simple thought of Kaneda's hair was enough to send a renewed wave of warm blood through him.  
'I fucking love you,' he whispered when they took a break from kissing.  
'I fucking love _you_, Tetsuo,' Kaneda whispered back. 'Go home with me tonight. Tomorrow's a Sunday, who cares.'  
Tetsuo couldn't have said no. He was given the random girl's treatment, he guessed, so he'd better take advantage of it. He was the only person really deserving to be in that place, anyway, wasn't he?

Kaneda opened the door to his room and didn't bother switching the light on. The sun would be out in an hour. Tetsuo threw his jacket on the floor, next to Kaneda's, and checked the room quickly. One chair. One table. One bed. Socks and shirts on the floor everywhere, and half-eaten food in the kitchen. Tetsuo looked at the owner of the room and knew, stronger than ever, that he loved him more than anything or anyone else in this stupid city and this stupid country. Kaneda took him in his arms, soothingly kissing his hair. Carefully, he pushed another capsule between his lips. Then they got in Kaneda's bed and didn't leave it until noon.

Weird enough, it was at that time that Tetsuo realized how young he was. How young they both were, and yet here they were, in a tight embrace, lips together, barely clothed.  
He didn't care. It was great. Kaneda eventually fell asleep, but Tetsuo couldn't and just put his arms around him, still fucking high, and felt his chest moving slowly as he breathed; felt the steady beating of his heart.

The pale sunlight woke Kaneda up. He yawned multiple times and stretched his arms and legs. It was only after that that he looked beside him, where Tetsuo sat on the bed, watching him quietly.  
'You really freak me out sometimes,' he mumbled. 'Hey…'  
He sat up as well and stared at Tetsuo, suddenly completely awake. 'I hardly remember what I did last night…' He blinked. 'You and me, huh?'  
Tetsuo nodded.  
Kaneda laughed out loud. 'Well, that's new,' he said, 'sometimes I surprise myself!' His eyes turned to Tetsuo again, and Tetsuo didn't like the way he was looking at him.  
'Listen up, Shima,' he said. 'You're lucky you're no girl, otherwise you would've been pregnant by now…'  
Tetsuo stared at Kaneda and didn't move a finger.  
'…but over all, I generally just wanna be with girls like that, you know? Besides…'

Kaneda started with a long talk on how they could never be, and should never be together like they had been last night, because of the gang and the other guys, and because of one hundred other reasons, but Tetsuo didn't catch a single one of them. Without a sound, he felt his insides shatter, and, not knowing what to do or what to say, wishing it was still last night, he stared at the dirty floor. Some girl's panties were lying in the corner, mocking him with their mere presence, telling him he'd better take his leave and never come back. Gradually, his eyes blurred until all he saw was a big grey stain. An enormous headache emerged from his forehead, forcing him to shut his eyes. Big teardrops landed on the blankets.

'Shit, Tetsuo,' Kaneda said when he saw them, interrupting his arguments. 'Don't tell me…'

Tetsuo's irregular breathing was the only sound left in the room. It was becoming colder above the blankets, regardless of the sun. Kaneda was, for once, out of words. Still, seeing Tetsuo cry wasn't something he could ignore. He was his friend, after all, and no matter how hard he tried to deny it in his mind, the gang wasn't the only thing needing him. Hesitantly, he reached out to him, and his fingers brushed his shoulder slightly. But Tetsuo felt it nonetheless and shuddered.

'Tetsuo…'

He slapped Kaneda's hand away and jumped off the bed, unable to look him in his eyes anymore. In a rush, he gathered his clothes from the floor and put them on, while Kaneda watched him, saying his name. His voice reached his ears, but that's as far as it went. He walked to the small hallway and picked up his jacket from the floor. The moment his hand touched the doorknob, Kaneda got up and started putting on clothes as well. The door slammed shut behind Tetsuo, but Kaneda followed him, only one staircase behind. After half an hour though, he caught up with him in a dark alley, where he stood against a wall, his eyes on the clouds. He didn't cry anymore, but Kaneda had a feeling that his state wasn't any better. He knew that Tetsuo had seen him and walked up to him as carefully as he could.

'Are you alright, man?' he said quietly.  
Tetsuo's eyes rolled from the sky to his face. Kaneda guessed he probably wasn't.  
'If you don't want me, why don't you fuck off,' he hissed.  
'Calm down!'  
'Fucking hell, Kaneda!' he yelled. 'Go home already and leave me alone!'

Kaneda knew, somewhere at the back of his mind, that he shouldn't leave his friend on the streets like this, confused and heartbroken. But at the same time, what could he do? His eyes kept on piercing his in seemingly endless desperation, telling him that he was to blame. Kaneda made a few steps nonetheless, slowly and carefully, as if he were approaching a stray cat. Tetsuo stared at him, taking deep breaths, trying to keep control over himself.

Suddenly Kaneda noticed the changed look in his eyes, and a moment after that realization, Tetsuo had thrown his arms around his neck as he had done the night before, gasping and moaning, but this time in pain.

Tetsuo didn't want to beg. He didn't even want to hold this boy anymore, because he had started to hate him. Then why did he do it anyway?

He sobbed. His arms fell back to his sides. In a hardly wanted reflex, he hit Kaneda on the side of his head as hard as he could. Before he could hit him back, he had already run off.

_W__hy not?_ he thought as he was regaining his breath on a street he had never been before. The thought was enough to make him cringe and grit his teeth in self-pity.

_Why the hell does he mean so much to me?_

***

This time, too, he feels his tires losing their grip and his bike falls over to his right side. The rest of the gang succeeds in avoiding him as he falls to the concrete, where he rolls over a couple of times. He coughs and tries to get up, then finds it to be impossible.

'Hey, Tetsuo,' Kaneda yells as he hurries over to him. 'Everything alright?'

Tetsuo finds his eyes in the middle of a blurry sky. They examine him closely. Then he feels his hands on him doing the same. Some other guys come to stand with him, but none of them gets down on the ground to do what Kaneda is doing. He's the only one allowed to take care of Tetsuo.

Tetsuo blinks quietly. Kaneda leans over to check his neck.  
'Why pretend any longer that you don't care about me?' he mutters in his ear.  
Kaneda's eyes turn darker. 'What?'  
'Why can't you just admit it?'

They glare at each other for a while. In fact it lasts for such a long time that Kai asks if Tetsuo is alright or not, interrupting their silent fight.

'Yeah, he's gonna be fine,' Kaneda says quietly, never breaking their eye contact as he gets back to his feet. 'Come on, you can get up now.'  
Tetsuo doesn't accept his hand. 'Fuck you,' he whispers so that only he can hear it, then gets up slowly. It hurts like shit.  
'Okay gang,' Kaneda shouts at the entire group. 'He's fine. We're off again!' Without a second look at his friend, he walks back towards his bike. Tetsuo gets onto his slowly. He wipes away the one tear that runs down his cheek because it's making his skin itch.

Kaneda looks over his shoulder, sending him a wordless warning before he starts his engine. Tetsuo casts his eyes down.

Wednesday, the 6th of May

1.03 AM


End file.
